Let It Be

I believe in life we rarely meet people that are true, genuine real friends. Friendships that are lifelong are hard to come by. I'm a firm believe that's friendship should not be work. It should just be.

Friendship is not a marriage, its not a relationship. Friendships just are.

Ive been let down my fair share of times. Ive been stood up my fair share of times. But my best friends are truly the ones I can go weeks without speaking to but when I need to talk to them, they are willing to talk to me.

They don't complain that I haven't talked to them, they don't act cold towards me because I haven't talked to them in a couple weeks. Its as if we never had a lapse in conversation.

Don't get me wrong, I give my friends a hard time when they don't call or text me. Jokingly of course. I give them a hard time because I want to make sure they KNOW that if they ever need me, I'm there. Its not so much that I'm upset because they haven't talked to me. But I just don't want them to ever feel like they have no one. 

Sometimes I take things to personally, I get my feelings hurt, or I feel like I'm not "important". But that's just me, that's who I am. I'm sensitive. But...my friends get me

Being alone is...well its not fun. Its a sad thing to feel like you have no one to turn to. I don't ever want my friends to feel like that. 

Earlier this year I had a falling out with what I considered to be a good friend. If she was to call me this moment needing me, I would be there circumstances willing. 

My kids come first, always will...If you don't like that, well I will not apologize for that! My friends realize my priorities and respect them. Even if they don't understand it, they respect it.

I like to think I'm a good friend. I like to think that I'm available for my friends when they need me....circumstances permitting. Im honest, even if I know its going to hurt. Because the truth always hurts less then a lie

"You cant be happy with someone else if you arent happy with yourself"
Sound familiar? It should...its a common saying.
But what does it MEAN!? Why do I have to be happy with myself? I dont like this saying.

Im not happy with myself and I dont think I EVER will be. There are things that I would LOVE to change about the way I look. And unless I win the lotto and can afford surgery, these are things I cannot change.

I love my kids though. I love my kids with everything Iam. I would do anything for them. They make me BEYOND happy. So what I dont like myself. Thats not affecting them. Im careful as to what I say so I dont affect Kaylees image of herself. But other then that, the fact that I dont like things...has no effect on them.

So...this is why I say...this statment is horse$hit!!

wait...teal? I thought it was pink?

So the saying is, "You cant teach a old dog new tricks". Meaning people cant change. Once they are set in there ways, that's the way they stay. But there has to be some kind of age on this right? What is considered a "old dog"? Are your habits set by age 13, 18, 28, 38? You get my point. That statement is very vague. Or maybe its not really meant to mean anything. Maybe its just a excuse for the people who aren't willing to change. So you are just suppose to accept it and move on...cant teach um they just wont learn.

As a little girl I loved barbies and pink! Care Bears, My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite, Jem! Ahh life was easy. Wake up from a nap to cold milk and fresh cookies. Play store with the treadmill, pretend trips to Atlantic City in my brothers car shaped bed. Things have changed, times have changed. Ive gotten older and its not the same anymore.

I was never one to stand out. I'm still not! But I want to do things. Nothing in particular but if there is something I want to do, I should be able to do it. Whatever it is. So what if I didn't do it 10 years ago, I want to do it now! The older I get the more I realize how short life is and how I just want to be happy! The things that didn't seem fun 10 years ago, may seem fun now. Doesn't make me  a bad person. Just makes me a more appreciative person.

So what I want to color my hair, cut it, go sky diving, get a tattoo! 

People change. You can either support them in there change, change with them, or want the person you knew back. But if you love someone or something, shouldn't you accept it thru all its changes? Good, bad and other?

I hate that saying "I want the old you back" Cliche right? You hear it all the time on the Lifetime movies. Right before they say they want a divorce, one of them says "I want the old you back". Who is that benefiting tho? The person who is asking that's who! Then the other person says "that's not me anymore". Then the other person wonders, what happened? Why this change?? Life happened! Age happened, maturity happened. Doesn't make either person a bad person. They are just different!

Life is constantly evolving around us. One minute you have the latest and greatest and within days it is "old" or replaced by the newest latest and greatest.

So in a world that is constantly changing, how can one possibly stay the same? You have to evolve, change, it order to adapt.

Some changes are minor...like there fighting the urge to really let loose! Other changes are monumental! I'm not saying to go from a straight edge to a junkie. But break your mold! If you wanna do something, freaking do it!!  I do not want to be on my death bed and think, GOSH I should've done __________. I want to DO.

So yeah, maybe I have changed since high school. But I'm 28 now...so isn't that to be expected? I believe I'm still the same caring person who wanted nothing more but kids. But I'm more jaded now, a little rougher and little tougher. Life will do that to ya. Make your skin tougher. It HAS to. Adapt...change.... in order to survive. 

So either let me be me or get outta my way! Change is inevitable. You make mistakes to learn, and so it wont happen again. You get braver, stronger and smarter. 

My favorite color is teal green...its not pink. I will continue to learn new tricks

I'm the kinda girl......

1. Who is the first person to find out you are pregnant, but not invited to the baby shower
2. Who doesn't get invited to girls night, and even if I was invited, probably wouldn't go, but it still bothers me not to get asked
3. Who has SO many ambitions, but as soon as I see how much work is needed, I quickly give up
4. Who eats more when people aren't watching
5. Who gets overly emotionally involved in other friends problems
6. Who is sad when you are sad, mad when you are mad, worried when you are worried
7. Who feels guilty for not spending every moment of my free time with my kids
8. Who can give GREAT advice....but when it comes to taking it, yeah...not so great
9. Who is stubborn! I have a opinion and even though I may not state it, you cannot change it
10. Who strangers talk to and feel compelled to tell their whole life story
11. Who takes EVERYTHING personal, if even for a second I think it might have to do with me, I think its about me
12. Who thinks it is MUCH better to give then to receive. There is no greater joy then finding the perfect gift for someone!
13. Who believes it is the little things that means the most...Actions speak louder then words. And sometimes the less someone says, the better
14. Who is a dessert junkie
15. who likes to experiment in the kitchen...and if it doesn't taste good the first time I will keep trying. I have made 9 pumpkin loaves in one evening because I didn't like the first batch
16. Who loves bath towels!
17. Who loves a good book. I refuse to buy a damn kindle. There is nothing like a actual book and the smell of a old library book
18. Who believes I was born in the wrong time period. 
19. Who wants to learn to swing dance
20. Who likes to be outside, walking, laying on the beach, hammock or sitting on a deck. Minus the mosquitoes
21. Who sometimes just wants silence! No tv, no radio, no talking...just silence.
22. Who likes the toilet paper going OVER not under
23. Who sometimes doesn't mind shopping by myself
24. Who goes into a store, and looks at the mannequin and buys that EXACT outfit because I know it will look good
25. Who wont tell you if you've upset me, or hurt me. 
26. Who HATES confrontation, make love not war :)
27. Who loves how it feels after a good workout, but needs some serious motivation to get the workout started.
28. Who wants to try all the local places that were on Drivers Dive Ins and Dives
29. who cannot stand to think someone is mad or displeased with me
30. Who wants everyone to like her. maybe not love, but just not hate!
31. Who is NOT the life of the party LOL
32. Who is giggly after ONE drink

......and that is all for now :)

Girl Crush

Some have questioned my love for lady gaga. " Why do you love her so much? She dresses so weird! Shes crazy! She has a d!ck" Sigh....

Let me first off by talking her musical talent. I could care less if she has two heads on her. She can sing her ass off, she can play the piano and write her own songs. Ive been to many concerts and Ive seen lip syncing. She did not lip sync the entire concert. She went out, there danced like no ones business and sang the WHOLE time. Don't get me wrong, I like Britney Spears but she doesn't sing AT ALL. When you go to see her show, your going to see her dance and that's about it. Lady Gaga got on the piano and played a beautiful ballad. And the fact that she can turn her feelings into written art without coming out and saying what shes trying to say is amazing to me. If I was going to write a song about a ex it would be like Taylor Swift style, saying He broke my heart Im sad. Lady Gaga puts this crazy twist on it like...The stars hid within the clouds and the moon was lost LOL. I dunno, but you get the point.

                    One of her many outfit and set designs

             Me and my BFF Laura

               Were so adorable

                 Her concerts are HUGE productions

Another HUGE HUGE main reason I love her is because she just doesn't care! She doesn't care if people think she has a d!ck, or if she wears a meat suit. She is who she is. She was (cliche) Born that way. And shes proud of who she is. Her confidence is so admirable. If I had 1/10 of her confidence I would be a much better person. I'm concerned about wearing shorts! And she doesn't care what she wears. Well she cares. See that's the thing, her outfits have thought that goes into each one. There is a story behind every outfit. She just doesn't wear it to be different. Everything has a purpose.

She didn't grow up rich. She got to where she is thru hard work.She believed in something and she wasn't going to give up until she got what she KNEW she could attain. I think again it all comes back to confidence. She knew she could do it and succeed. So even if she hit a road block, she knew eventually she would make it.

I'm sure there are a lot of artists out there who have gone thru similar things. But there is just something about Gaga that draws me to her. She makes me feel like I can do anything, well her music does! I listen to her songs and think, if she can do it...I can do it. Even if I hit roadblocks, eventually I will be where I'm suppose to be.

Addicted to the white stuff....

SUGAR! I'm talking about sugar. The dreaded relationship with food. I go back and fourth with my weight. Or should I say, I get lazy about eating right. Mind you I said Im not a lazy person....but when it comes to doing things for myself, I never take the time

So...food. Lets talks numbers first!! When I was in high school I stayed at 120lbs. I always thought I was...not overweight but not skinny enough. I never looked the way I wanted to. Still don't. I have this unattainable image in my head. I know its unattainable but I still cannot accept it....I will never be happy. With MYSELF that is. I will never be happy with myself. But you know what they say, You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. This saying is DUMB LOL. Im happy with my kids. My kids make me happy!

Anways...back to the numbers. 120lbs in high school. When I got pregnant with Kaylee I went up to 160lbs. 40lbs I gained! It took me awhile but I lost it. I got back down to 125lbs and I was happy with that. Still not where I wanted to be but once again I knew it wasnt possible. I would say Kaylee was around 2 before I really lost everything weight wise. It didnt happen overnight. It took hard work and eating right. All the things we already know how to do but choose not to.

Sometime after I lost everything...I gained alot back :/  I told you its a struggle!

                                                                  Me & Monica in 2005

                               ugghh Christmas party 2006

                                      Melting Pot 2007

                                  BLAH Jan 2008                           

                                           Sept 2008 (this trip is where I found out I was preggers!)

                                        April 2009

                                         April 2010

                                December 2010

                                                     February 2011

So as you can see, I have not always been thin or the same weight!

So..second child. I weighed 130lbs when I got pregnant with Jeremy. By the time I delivered I was up to 178lbs. So 48lbs gained. Once again 2 years later Im back to the weight I should be. Currently at 125

I worked hard after both kids to loose the weight. I would work out everyday. With Kaylee iw as easier to schedule. The hubby would drop her off at daycare at 630am, I would get to work at 600am. I got off work by 2pm and would head straight to the gym. I would work out for about 90mins then go pick Kaylee up. Kaylee was at naptime until 3pm and then they would wake up and have snack. Kaylee would get SO mad if I picked her up before snack time. I had a inward struggle with myself about going to the gym. "I leave my child at daycare all day then go to the gym? How selfish am I?" But the fact that Kaylee liked the daycare, that guilt was gone. We both would win

Jeremy is not so easy. I would do drop off and pick up of both kids. I would drop them both off around 630am get to work at 700ish. I would leave promptly at 250pm in order to make it to Kaylees school in time to pick her up, then go meet my friend to get Jeremy. It was a constant run around. Throw in Kaylees sports schedule and you can see it can get hectic. I would exercise after the kids were in bed. It worked out fine but it does get old exercising so late at night.

So here we are and Im at this weight I want right? Well...its like a evil cycle I tell you! I lose it, I think oh ive lost weight I can slack off now...and even if I gain it back I KNOW I can loose it again. Its almost like a battle I have with myself to see if I can loose as much as I had previously.

A couple months ago I was down to 112lbs! Now I dont know if the scale was broke or what. Ive never been that small EVER. Slowly I gained some back. I held at 115lbs for awhile. Then I went to 120lbs. I thought to myself ok 120lbs is a good number. Lets stay there, anything more and Ill work hard to loose it. Well now Im up to 125lbs. Granted its still less then what I weight when I got pregnant with Jeremy, I dont like the way I look! See not only does they way I look rule my life but those numbers on the scale do it too.

I know it shouldnt. I should be healthy and as long as I feel good who cares what the scale says right? Riiight right. Easier said then done. When I was down to 112 I was eating fantastic! Fruits, veggies, lean meats, salads, no sweets. When I went to the store I would reallly take my time adn read the labels. I was on a mission to eat healthy and to feed my family healthy as well. Our Friday night ordering turned into a new recipe night followed by a movie. Im a sweets girl. I loooove me some cake, brownies, cookies mmm.
But once it was gone, I didnt miss it.

So you see I know what to do. I know how to eat and how I should eat. But lately...you wouldnt know it! Ice Cream, Snowballs, frozen coffee drinks, pizza etc! The list goes on. And as I eat it I think...I shouldnt be eating this...meeehhh  I dont care. All the while knowing I do care. And I always regret it. After I eat Im beating myself up thinking I CANNOT believe I ate that! So as I said, the scale is going up. I can tell my clothes are not fitting quite the same. ANd when I look in the mirror I see the changes. Not to mention my skin isnt nearly as healthy as it was.

When I was in high school I remember thinking, " I cannot wait to get married and have kids so I can let myself go." At the age of 18 I was setting myself up for failure. Thing is I did get married and I did have kids and I still cant "let go" I will always have that image of what I want to be in my head.

So my fight with food continues. I plan on trying to get back on the healthy train. It IS more expensive to buy fresh food...but in the long run, what is more expensive...Dr visits for health issues or fresh food? I think we know the answer! Right now I want to be healthy for my kids! I want to be able to run WITH my kids not after them. I want to be a positive influence on there eating habits and exercise habits. I want them to think eating healthy and exercising is the "normal thing to do".  Id also like to look good in a tight pair of jeans ;)

Potty Time

Sigh....Potty training. Just when I think I have it all figured out, I don't. Kaylee was easy!! She was a little over 2 and in no time she was potty trained. We made a box full of goodies. We painted it together green and red. I went to the $1 store and got lots of toys and candy to put in there. I had coloring books and reading books next to the potty to keep her distracted while using the potty.

You would always know when Kaylee was going potty because she would run and hide. That is when I would snatch her up and stick her on the potty. Each time she went we got VERY excited and she picked a prize. Jeremy...has not been so easy.

             This is Kaylee hiding in a Ocean City Hotel trying to go potty LOL

                                                 She liked her privacy ;)

Jeremy started off GREAT! #1 and #2 both in the potty for a weekend straight. I sent him off to school in underwear right away. After a weekend with no accidents, there was no reason to doubt he wouldn't have issues at school right? Wrong! Going #1 was no problem. It was #2 that was the issue. I can even remember saying "Id rather him have a accident with #2 then #1, at least #2 I can just dump out"

HA! Apparently my boy eats good and doesn't have "dumpables" The daycare he is at throws away his underwear if there too soiled. It took less then a pack of underwear to have me revert back to pull-ups. I really don't like pull-ups, there just like diapers if you ask me. But they have Velcro siding. Like Jeremy knows the difference.

Here is the catch...no accidents at home...at all!! Every night he will go #1 and #2 with no issues. He tells my hubby or I when he has to go. Even in a movie theater, restaurant, even outside in a bathing suit. Daycare, he stays a mute. Completely silent while he uses his pull-up to its full capacity!

This is SO frustrating to me. I can only assume the daycare is working with him. I can only assume the daycare is taking him to the bathroom often. But the fact that Jeremy will say at home when he has to go and not at school is bothersome. I guess he just feels comfortable at home to tell us. The teachers say he is shy at school. Which is NOT how he is at home! Its weird how kids can be one way somewhere and another somewhere else.

I wish I was a stay at home mommy....

Couponing is a daunting task

To sit here with TONS of ads and go thru and clip what you will actually use. Things are labeled to be selling points. The ads make the food look delicious and the cleaning products make the the counter sparkle. "Ohhh cottage cheese...it looks yummy...but i dont like cottage cheese...well maybe it its on sale" So here Iam clipping piles of coupons some of which i know I either dont like or dont need. Thats where they getcha! Uve been watching Extreme Couponing on TLC. Its a fascinating show. But can also lead to extreme frustration. Every time I watch it, I get so exciter about going shopping! Then I go and Im sadly disappointed when I have spent over what the people on the show have. I go into the store with a pile of couons havving NO idea if these things that are on sale, are really even on sale!! I see them in the ad and I have this magic paper that means money off. I have a tocke pile at my house right now. Is it useful? Sometimes. Does the cost offset my time clipping these coupons? Not as of yet it doesnt. I average a savings of around 40-50% NOw I dont know about you but when I think percentages I think grades....40% is a F in school! I failed my job of saving money. So you can see how I can be frustrated

Choosing what store to go to is another hassle. Before I would either go to Safeway or Giant. Why? Because they offer gas rewards. Now...Giant and Safeway are both a good 10min drive away. I pass 2 other grocery stores on the way TO these stores

Giant is expensive, BUT I know when I go in there I can get everything I need in one place. Produce is fresh, they have every brand of everything you need. And of course the kids love the cookie club. There gas program is for every $100 you spend you get .10 off a gallon of gas. I like the instant rewards so I cant keep the gas points on there long before Im using them. The best deal is to go to Shell on Thursdays, which gives you .5 off per gallon. Add that to your .10 .20 off Giant rewards and its not a bad deal.

Safeway has good produce as well. Ive managed to get pretty good deals at safeway. There gas rewards is .10 off gallon. ...thats it. There is no .20 .30 off. Just .10. ANother annoying thing is you have to use the Safeway gas station. Where Giant you can go to any Shell station. So unless your getting gas before or after the store or you live near Safeway, this plan isnt very helpful. Either way, Im still trying. Still clipping and still trying to compare the sale ads to the coupons to the things I buy

Do I even have time for this??

The other day I was getting ready to post a facebook status. A couple different blurbs ran thru my head. My initial thought was to post another "lesson" that I had learned or wanted to learn. ANother thought was to post "so many thoughts so little space." Thats when I thought, Ill write a blog to get all my thoughts out that are more then a sentence long.


 As I sat at the computer trying to think of a web address, the kids are screaming, the hubby needs help, and the laundry is screaming my name. In theory the idea if a blog is a great idea! It would be great place for me ti place all my thoughts down, couponing adventures, people who annoy me ;) A great place to vent freely and maybe get some feedback. But do I even have time for this? I feel like I have NO time for anything. And if I do something, I think, I shouldnt be doing this...I should be doing "that". Whatever "that" is, its always more important then what Im already doing.

My schedule is busy! 7 days a week 365 days a year. Well, maybe theres some off days thrown in there AKA sick days. Work, work, work all day long. As for the evenings, its ran by sports mostly. At least 2x a week Kaylee is either at a sporting practice or a sporting game. Every Friday she has ice hockey. The other 2 days during the week the hubby has band practice. Which leads us to the weekend time. Those are filled with sporting events, band shows, baby showers and birthday parties. Sometimes all of the above. Ive been trying to give couponing a try. That however is VERY time consuming. I use to exercise EVERYDAY! Now I dont know how I did it? I can barely find time to sit down
This is a typical day
540- wake up, shower, get Jeremy ready for daycare
615- leave the house in order to get Jeremy to daycare RIGHT when they open at 630
640/645- after hugs and kisses and preparing his breakfast Im out the daycare door
715/720- work arrival time
345/350- Departure from work
420/430- Pick up little man from daycare
445/450- Arrive home to scarf down dinner, take Jeremy potty, pack a snack
515- Out the door for softball practice/game
745/800- Arrive home, give Jeremy bath, Kaylee gets shower
830- Jeremy goes to bed
900- Make lunches for next day and prepare breakfast
930ish- FInally get to sit down and possibly watch tv

So you can see...by the time 930 rolls around, the last thing I feel like doing after running around ALL DAY is exercising. The last thing I feel like doing is cutting coupons or looking thru grocery ads. I just want to sit down for a couple minutes without thinking and just relax! Im not a lazy person. I actually do LOVE exercising. I feel great after I do it. Maybe I just need to learn some time management> Although the only other option I see is to get up early. And I do NOT consider myself a morning person!! ;)