Monday, June 20, 2011

Addicted to the white stuff....

SUGAR! I'm talking about sugar. The dreaded relationship with food. I go back and fourth with my weight. Or should I say, I get lazy about eating right. Mind you I said Im not a lazy person....but when it comes to doing things for myself, I never take the time Lets talks numbers first!! When I was in high school I stayed at 120lbs. I always thought I was...not overweight but not skinny enough. I never looked the way I wanted to. Still don't. I have this unattainable image in my head. I know its unattainable but I still cannot accept it....I will never be happy. With MYSELF that is. I will never be happy with myself. But you know what they say, You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. This saying is DUMB LOL. Im happy with my kids. My kids make me happy!

Anways...back to the numbers. 120lbs in high school. When I got pregnant with Kaylee I went up to 160lbs. 40lbs I gained! It took me awhile but I lost it. I got back down to 125lbs and I was happy with that. Still not where I wanted to be but once again I knew it wasnt possible. I would say Kaylee was around 2 before I really lost everything weight wise. It didnt happen overnight. It took hard work and eating right. All the things we already know how to do but choose not to.

Sometime after I lost everything...I gained alot back :/  I told you its a struggle!

                                                                  Me & Monica in 2005
                               ugghh Christmas party 2006

                                      Melting Pot 2007

                                  BLAH Jan 2008                           
                                           Sept 2008 (this trip is where I found out I was preggers!)

                                        April 2009
                                         April 2010

                                December 2010

                                                     February 2011

So as you can see, I have not always been thin or the same weight!

So..second child. I weighed 130lbs when I got pregnant with Jeremy. By the time I delivered I was up to 178lbs. So 48lbs gained. Once again 2 years later Im back to the weight I should be. Currently at 125

I worked hard after both kids to loose the weight. I would work out everyday. With Kaylee iw as easier to schedule. The hubby would drop her off at daycare at 630am, I would get to work at 600am. I got off work by 2pm and would head straight to the gym. I would work out for about 90mins then go pick Kaylee up. Kaylee was at naptime until 3pm and then they would wake up and have snack. Kaylee would get SO mad if I picked her up before snack time. I had a inward struggle with myself about going to the gym. "I leave my child at daycare all day then go to the gym? How selfish am I?" But the fact that Kaylee liked the daycare, that guilt was gone. We both would win

Jeremy is not so easy. I would do drop off and pick up of both kids. I would drop them both off around 630am get to work at 700ish. I would leave promptly at 250pm in order to make it to Kaylees school in time to pick her up, then go meet my friend to get Jeremy. It was a constant run around. Throw in Kaylees sports schedule and you can see it can get hectic. I would exercise after the kids were in bed. It worked out fine but it does get old exercising so late at night.

So here we are and Im at this weight I want right? Well...its like a evil cycle I tell you! I lose it, I think oh ive lost weight I can slack off now...and even if I gain it back I KNOW I can loose it again. Its almost like a battle I have with myself to see if I can loose as much as I had previously.

A couple months ago I was down to 112lbs! Now I dont know if the scale was broke or what. Ive never been that small EVER. Slowly I gained some back. I held at 115lbs for awhile. Then I went to 120lbs. I thought to myself ok 120lbs is a good number. Lets stay there, anything more and Ill work hard to loose it. Well now Im up to 125lbs. Granted its still less then what I weight when I got pregnant with Jeremy, I dont like the way I look! See not only does they way I look rule my life but those numbers on the scale do it too.

I know it shouldnt. I should be healthy and as long as I feel good who cares what the scale says right? Riiight right. Easier said then done. When I was down to 112 I was eating fantastic! Fruits, veggies, lean meats, salads, no sweets. When I went to the store I would reallly take my time adn read the labels. I was on a mission to eat healthy and to feed my family healthy as well. Our Friday night ordering turned into a new recipe night followed by a movie. Im a sweets girl. I loooove me some cake, brownies, cookies mmm.
But once it was gone, I didnt miss it.

So you see I know what to do. I know how to eat and how I should eat. But wouldnt know it! Ice Cream, Snowballs, frozen coffee drinks, pizza etc! The list goes on. And as I eat it I think...I shouldnt be eating this...meeehhh  I dont care. All the while knowing I do care. And I always regret it. After I eat Im beating myself up thinking I CANNOT believe I ate that! So as I said, the scale is going up. I can tell my clothes are not fitting quite the same. ANd when I look in the mirror I see the changes. Not to mention my skin isnt nearly as healthy as it was.

When I was in high school I remember thinking, " I cannot wait to get married and have kids so I can let myself go." At the age of 18 I was setting myself up for failure. Thing is I did get married and I did have kids and I still cant "let go" I will always have that image of what I want to be in my head.

So my fight with food continues. I plan on trying to get back on the healthy train. It IS more expensive to buy fresh food...but in the long run, what is more expensive...Dr visits for health issues or fresh food? I think we know the answer! Right now I want to be healthy for my kids! I want to be able to run WITH my kids not after them. I want to be a positive influence on there eating habits and exercise habits. I want them to think eating healthy and exercising is the "normal thing to do".  Id also like to look good in a tight pair of jeans ;)

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