Sunday, March 9, 2014

Admiting you have a problem is the first step

It is no secret that I struggle with my weight. I struggle with the image and reflection I see in the mirror. I admit that the perfect "me" image is not attainable. Yet I still will not be content until I reach it. I simply cannot love myself the way I am.

January 2013 I was right where I wanted to be and should be weight wise. I looked good and fit. I was turning 30 and I was fabulous. I didn't realize it then, I do now. When it comes to my weight, I need to have a goal. My 30th birthday party was the goal. And I reached it. You see, I'm stubborn and hard headed. Eating right and exercising to simply "be healthy" is not good enough for me. 

So, I was at my goal. After my party there was nothing to aim for anymore. So I of course didn't keep up on the exercise or the eating right. The scale began to creep up. And I told myself "no worries, I can lose it".
And I told myself "don't worry, as long as it doesn't go over XXX Ill be fine". Well, it went over XXX and I was spiraling out of control.

Some of you may be reading this and think I'm crazy and that I'm already a good size. Don't worry, it will all make sense soon.

I have tried every diet fad out there. You name it, diet pills (to many to name), taking laxatives, the soup diet, juicing, eating only fruits and veggies, drinking all my meals, cutting out carbs, not eating at all. I know what works, eating right, eating less and exercising. Simple. Not a powder, a pill, a wrap, oils, hypnotism. We have all known the "secret" for years yet we always want the easy out. Myself included.

But a couple months ago, I hit a new low. I had heard that ADD medicine would help you lose weight and give you energy. I was desperate, frustrated and depressed with myself. I did the research, I learned what to say and how to answer the questions at hand. I made a appointment with a psychiatrist...said the right things and got the prescription. It's alarming how easy it was. The FIRST appointment, she gave me something

There were TONS of signs that I shouldn't do this.
  1.  The doctor couldn't see me until 3 months out when I first called
  2.  The first prescription she gave me was denied by my insurance. 
  3.  She wrote me another prescription which she told me to pick up Friday. I went to pick it up and the office was closed (even though she said they would be open)
  4.  On Monday when I went to the Dr and they were open, the receptionist told me the Dr wrote the wrong date on the prescription so I would have to come back so she could re-write it.
  5. FINALLY I have a good prescription. I went to 3 different pharmacy's before I found one that could fill it. 
I didn't care. I KNEW I was given chances and I didn't care. I was determined to get on this medicine and lose the weight. 

The first day I took it I had no appetite. I ate 1/2 a banana all day. But I was also extremely depressed on this medicine. I stopped taking it after 1 day. At that moment it was when I realized I had a eating disorder. I hear "eating disorder" and I think a super skinny girl who doesn't realize she is already super skinny. But that isn't the case. Eating disorders can affect anyone. And I've been suffering since I was 16.

It's one thing to get on fad diets. It's a completely different thing to chemically alter your brain in a attempt to lose weight.  I was desperate and scared. As I said, I have always struggled with weight. I have never been skinny enough..ever. Even at wasn't enough. But I hit a all time low when I resorted to prescription medicine.

I started going back to the gym a couple months ago. And I started eating like I know I should eat. And I've lost 11 lbs so far. I still have 10 more until I hit my goal. And..I know that even hitting the goal, I will want to lose more. But I'm doing it the RIGHT way. I'm not looking for a quick fix and I'm not relying on a fad or stupid pill, oil or wrap to give me a temporary fix. I'm trusting myself that I can do this as I have time and time again.

I'm not sure how to "fix" this. It's hard to admit that you have an issue. I think I will always struggle with this. But I wont resort to what I did before. 

I tell you this story, not to get sympathy or a "good job" on my weight loss. I tell you this to let you know that if you are struggling you are not alone. I plan on looking for a support group or some kind of help. I realize that I cannot do this alone. And I realize this is a journey and will not be a quick fix.

Please do not send me your sympathy's, but send me your prayers. Please do not look at me as if I'm weak or you feel bad for me. Look at me as if I'm strong to admit that there is an issue and to find support. 

I have always been a fighter. And this is one fight that I don't plan to lose.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Waiting on the Day

The day will come when it's no longer a thought
When the battles I have fought are no longer a near fear.
When I can answer the phone without being afraid of what I'll hear.

I use to hope for the day when we could talk
When my kids would have a grandpa or their "pop-pop"

Those days are since gone, and I know they can never be
No matter what happens I just cant shake the memories

I just wanted a family, I just wanted a Father
I wanted a hero, I wanted to be a Daughter

It is hard to accept that things will never change
It is hard to push through and forget all the pain

Hearing your voice I thought would make me cry
I thought it would open a door for you to say "I'm sorry I lied"

But just like any other time before,
You defended her actions and said nothing more

You didn't try to open up, you didn't seem to want to talk
You simple stated the obvious and were no help at all

I don't know why I ever thought that things could one day change
You will always be the same man who simply gave me a last name

I'm waiting on the day when I don't think about you
When I don't get sad over memories of us
When one day I realize, I was enough
When one day I realize that there was nothing I could do
When one day I realize that its not my fault, this is on you
When April 11th is another day 
When I can accept the fact that you will simply never change.

Waiting on a day that will probably never arrive
Waiting ...waiting... waiting for the rest of my life