Sunday, March 9, 2014

Admiting you have a problem is the first step

It is no secret that I struggle with my weight. I struggle with the image and reflection I see in the mirror. I admit that the perfect "me" image is not attainable. Yet I still will not be content until I reach it. I simply cannot love myself the way I am.

January 2013 I was right where I wanted to be and should be weight wise. I looked good and fit. I was turning 30 and I was fabulous. I didn't realize it then, I do now. When it comes to my weight, I need to have a goal. My 30th birthday party was the goal. And I reached it. You see, I'm stubborn and hard headed. Eating right and exercising to simply "be healthy" is not good enough for me. 

So, I was at my goal. After my party there was nothing to aim for anymore. So I of course didn't keep up on the exercise or the eating right. The scale began to creep up. And I told myself "no worries, I can lose it".
And I told myself "don't worry, as long as it doesn't go over XXX Ill be fine". Well, it went over XXX and I was spiraling out of control.

Some of you may be reading this and think I'm crazy and that I'm already a good size. Don't worry, it will all make sense soon.

I have tried every diet fad out there. You name it, diet pills (to many to name), taking laxatives, the soup diet, juicing, eating only fruits and veggies, drinking all my meals, cutting out carbs, not eating at all. I know what works, eating right, eating less and exercising. Simple. Not a powder, a pill, a wrap, oils, hypnotism. We have all known the "secret" for years yet we always want the easy out. Myself included.

But a couple months ago, I hit a new low. I had heard that ADD medicine would help you lose weight and give you energy. I was desperate, frustrated and depressed with myself. I did the research, I learned what to say and how to answer the questions at hand. I made a appointment with a psychiatrist...said the right things and got the prescription. It's alarming how easy it was. The FIRST appointment, she gave me something

There were TONS of signs that I shouldn't do this.
  1.  The doctor couldn't see me until 3 months out when I first called
  2.  The first prescription she gave me was denied by my insurance. 
  3.  She wrote me another prescription which she told me to pick up Friday. I went to pick it up and the office was closed (even though she said they would be open)
  4.  On Monday when I went to the Dr and they were open, the receptionist told me the Dr wrote the wrong date on the prescription so I would have to come back so she could re-write it.
  5. FINALLY I have a good prescription. I went to 3 different pharmacy's before I found one that could fill it. 
I didn't care. I KNEW I was given chances and I didn't care. I was determined to get on this medicine and lose the weight. 

The first day I took it I had no appetite. I ate 1/2 a banana all day. But I was also extremely depressed on this medicine. I stopped taking it after 1 day. At that moment it was when I realized I had a eating disorder. I hear "eating disorder" and I think a super skinny girl who doesn't realize she is already super skinny. But that isn't the case. Eating disorders can affect anyone. And I've been suffering since I was 16.

It's one thing to get on fad diets. It's a completely different thing to chemically alter your brain in a attempt to lose weight.  I was desperate and scared. As I said, I have always struggled with weight. I have never been skinny enough..ever. Even at wasn't enough. But I hit a all time low when I resorted to prescription medicine.

I started going back to the gym a couple months ago. And I started eating like I know I should eat. And I've lost 11 lbs so far. I still have 10 more until I hit my goal. And..I know that even hitting the goal, I will want to lose more. But I'm doing it the RIGHT way. I'm not looking for a quick fix and I'm not relying on a fad or stupid pill, oil or wrap to give me a temporary fix. I'm trusting myself that I can do this as I have time and time again.

I'm not sure how to "fix" this. It's hard to admit that you have an issue. I think I will always struggle with this. But I wont resort to what I did before. 

I tell you this story, not to get sympathy or a "good job" on my weight loss. I tell you this to let you know that if you are struggling you are not alone. I plan on looking for a support group or some kind of help. I realize that I cannot do this alone. And I realize this is a journey and will not be a quick fix.

Please do not send me your sympathy's, but send me your prayers. Please do not look at me as if I'm weak or you feel bad for me. Look at me as if I'm strong to admit that there is an issue and to find support. 

I have always been a fighter. And this is one fight that I don't plan to lose.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Waiting on the Day

The day will come when it's no longer a thought
When the battles I have fought are no longer a near fear.
When I can answer the phone without being afraid of what I'll hear.

I use to hope for the day when we could talk
When my kids would have a grandpa or their "pop-pop"

Those days are since gone, and I know they can never be
No matter what happens I just cant shake the memories

I just wanted a family, I just wanted a Father
I wanted a hero, I wanted to be a Daughter

It is hard to accept that things will never change
It is hard to push through and forget all the pain

Hearing your voice I thought would make me cry
I thought it would open a door for you to say "I'm sorry I lied"

But just like any other time before,
You defended her actions and said nothing more

You didn't try to open up, you didn't seem to want to talk
You simple stated the obvious and were no help at all

I don't know why I ever thought that things could one day change
You will always be the same man who simply gave me a last name

I'm waiting on the day when I don't think about you
When I don't get sad over memories of us
When one day I realize, I was enough
When one day I realize that there was nothing I could do
When one day I realize that its not my fault, this is on you
When April 11th is another day 
When I can accept the fact that you will simply never change.

Waiting on a day that will probably never arrive
Waiting ...waiting... waiting for the rest of my life

Saturday, June 15, 2013

The Man I use to know

I don't know my real father, he gave me up
But I didn't care because I knew real love.

The man who took care of me since I was just 3
I called him my Dad and he was all I would ever need

He left me pennies when I would visit at work
He would always comfort me whenever I was hurt

He attended every concert, every event, no matter the day
He left me notes for school and knew just what to say

He helped me go down the big yellow slide
He had water gun fights with us all the time

That man I use to know is no longer here
He is just a stranger, no one I hold dear

That man I use to know is just a memory
He is now just a man with no meaning to me

The man who I called my dad who I loved so much
Did nothing at all but break my trust

That man I use to love has gone so far away
That man I would've done anything for, has scarred me in so many ways

That man I thought I knew, turns out I don't know at all.
He is no one I respect, no one that I call

Betrayed, heartbroken and completely beaten down
I have no one to call my dad, no one is around

No one to call on fathers day
No one to buy a gift

No one to say I miss you to
No one to say Thanks for all you did

There is no one I call my father, no one I call my dad
There is no "dad" that I can hug when things are getting bad

The man I loved and trusted... the man I called my dad
Broke my heart, walked away and never has looked back

Sunday, May 12, 2013

New kinda Mothers Day

Mother's Day use to be a hand made card to you from me
Now it just reminds me of what use to be

I use to be your little girl, the one who you would give the world
Blonde hair blue eyed precious as can be
Now it's unclear why exactly you hate me

The things you have done are nothing but cruel
I will never understand why you say what you do

You say I have done nothing but let you down
I can just be thankful that I dont have to have you around

Like poison in a snake you do nothing but cause pain
You have lost your only daughter and it was all in vain

Being a mother myself with two beautiful kids
I cant imagine doing what you did

To say my angels were a mistake
Is something I would never say

To say one of my babies was never meant to be
Is something I wouldn't say to one of my enemies

You are cruel and hateful, no mother of mine
I hope you are full of deep regret all the time

Mothers Day to me is about being a mom
Loving my children and sharing our bond

I appreciate my children and love them to no end
I'm not only their mother, I'am their friend

I will never cause pain in my childrens life
I will always be here to cause no strife

As a mother I promise to do no wrong
And to make my childrens happiness forever prolonged

Mothers Day has a new meaning for me
Of someone I want to never be

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Eternal Noise

Its after midnight...and I cant sleep
The house is quiet
But my mind will not stop thinking, remembering, feeling
Usually I'm bothered in my own silence, in my car
Tonight, its different
After midnight, and I cant sleep
Thinking of the lies, the heartbreak, the tears, the sounds of my own sobbing
Thinking of the day that I heard and felt my heart break
Wondering if these thoughts are my own to bear
Confused and realizing that there is no right answer
Wishing I knew the other side
Wishing the other side knew my story
The impact they had on my life, my heart, my soul
Hoping they feel the pain that I feel
Hoping they lay awake at night bothered by the lies they told and the dismay they caused
Hoping that in the silence of the night they hear the sounds of my sobbing
Hoping that with every breathe they take, is a breathe of regret
Hoping that they look in the mirror and dislike their own reflection
I cannot begin to understand or justify their actions
I cannot begin to say I will ever forgive nor will I ever forget
To trust someone your whole life and in one instance, it is broken
Controlled like a puppet
I sit and watch someone else pull the strings while what I knew and loved crashes down around me
I'm helpless
I cannot grasp the concept of what she has made you do
I cannot put into terms why you follow the way you do
I cannot in words express the deep scar and everlasting hurt you have put on me
Every time I granted you the benefit of the doubt
Every time I was so sadly disappointed
Every time I was shocked, hurt and let down
But each time....each time, I thought would be different
Yet it was always the same
I must move on
I cannot change what she has made you do, what you have done
I want to un-hear the words you said
I want to un-hear the lies, the destruction, the pain
But I cannot
The sound echoes in my ears
The sound of betrayal, the sound of everything I know dying
The sound of love bleeds into lies
I wish I could forget, to not think
But I cant
Its 1am...and I cant sleep

Sunday, May 13, 2012


Everyone knows I adore, cherish and love both..that's right..BOTH of my children more than anything in the world.
I cannot fathom anything happening to them. If I could keep them in my pocket I would. I dread the idea of them moving or going away to college. I cringe at the idea of them being teenagers and them becoming "too cool" to be seen with mom, or hug mom :/
The thought is to much to bear. I don't have a hobby...I have nothing to do but devote everything Iam and everything I do for my children...CHILDREN, not child. Maybe one day I will regret not doing more for myself, but I sincerely doubt that. I have no regrets and cant imagine regretting spending New Years Eve with with my babies. I know one year they will want to be with their friends, or gf/bf. So do I or will I regret missing a night out at the bar to throw confetti in the air with my kids? Never. Will I regret the hangover I missed vs movie nights and sleeping downstairs with a pile of pillows? Never
I don't knock other moms for wanting/needing or feeling different than I do. Everyone is different and I don't judge. But..its my life, and my blog so Im going to tell you how I feel :) a mom and as its Mothers Day...  I will now tell you some things that I promise I will do for them :)

I promise......
To love you with every being of my soul
To attend every sporting event as long as your brother/sister doesn't have one the same day... Otherwise I will have to do every other event,
To be fair and treat both my kids equal
When I attend games, concerts, plays I will NOT use my cellphone, my attention is 100% yours
To buy you clothes that we BOTH approve of
To be your MOM.. and to be a shoulder to cry on and a place to feel safe
To yell at you and tell you when you are wrong and punish you when needed
To encourage you, love you always, and never ever curse at you
To hold your hand when needed and let go when I know you don't need it...But I will remind you that at any moment if you reach hand will always be there
To do everything in my power to provide you with every opportunity in life
To let you try every sport, extra activity you want and let you continue as long as you want
To love you with every being of my soul
To never let you quit
To wipe the tears that fall on your cheeks, and if they are caused by a bf/gf I will go after them ;)
To protect you as much as I can but to let you make your own mistakes
To catch you every time you fall or feel close to falling
To make you the best person I know how
To cry at every "graduation" or award ceremony
To push you do to your best and expect greatness from you..because that is what you are, greatness
To never say "You cant do that" or "Your grades aren't good enough" or "Pick something else", I will always encourage you
To give you constructive criticism 
To be a good role model and to show the right way to eat and that exercise is good for you
To let you eat chicken nuggets, french fries and soda....sometimes ;)
To make your birthday a BIG event..because it is, Its my favorite "holiday" ..The days that I was so blessed to have you come into my life.
To explain the importance of safe sex
To try and understand relationships which YOU think are with the person you will marry....even tho you are only 13
To NOT be the "cool mom" who lets you drink in the house when you are under 21
To sit up waiting for you and if you are late on curfew to ground you, take your phone and your keys
To love you with every being of my soul
To embarrass you
To try my best to get you awesome seats to your favorite concert
To let you the future...way...way...future
To rub your back when you throw up and to sleep at the edge of your bed
To not give you everything you want and to turn you into a selfish, rotten, spoiled brat
To always provide you with the things you NEED but not always the things you want
To miss you like crazy, and possibly cry just a little when you go to a sleepover
To not apologize for just wanting you home
To hug and kiss you as much as I can, while I can
To get nervous at all your games, plays, activities etc
To cry tears of joy with the pride I feel for you
To love you with every being of my soul

I promise to ALWAYS love you, to NEVER disown you, to NEVER say you are not my child, to NEVER say I don't love you.
I promise that I will always be your mom and there will never be a day that goes by that I will not say I love you


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Random Acts of Kindness

So Today I did my 29 RAOK. Its my 29th birthday today! I didnt feel very much like celebrating. Im not a party girl, not a bar girl. When I found this idea I just had to do it.  Here are the images and I will explain each after the picture

 Look at that concentration!
 Kaylee working hard on her cards for hospital patients

 The finished product from Kaylee for hospital patients
 Jeremy's cards for elderly people

 Candy bar for the postmaster
 We left scratch offs at 4 gas pumps
 Cookies and cards for Jeremy's daycare teachers
 A bottle of laundry detergent that we left at a local laundry mat
 This was fun...went to the $1 store and hid dollars behind toys. What a surprise for someone
 And yet another one!
 On the hospital elevator dropping off coloring books, crayons and cards. The person from the hospital was super appreciative
 Dropping off cards at a elderly home. I was hoping to hand deliver some, but they didnt seem interested
 Here is a random card placed on a towing sign
 Dropping cookies off to Grandmoms job! She wasnt there, so we left some nice pictures for her
 Another random card at a bus stop. It reads Make today a great day because everyday is a gift
 Sidewalk chalk left at a local playground
 Stopped by Daddys work to drop off some cookies
 Daddy wasnt there either, so we left him so notes!
 We got some balloons at the $1 store and handed them out to kids (with moms approval)
 Anyone want a  free soda?
 How about a free snack?
 We left some quarters at one of the ride toys at the mall
 Another random card it read, Someone, somewhere is missing you
 Quarters at the gum ball machine
 We stopped by the dentist office and dropped off some coloring books and crayons
 How about some popcorn with your movie?
 We went Ding Dong Ditching...and left 2 neighbors with Ding Dongs!
 We took my dad out to lunch, paid for his lunch, and left the waitress a 50% tip
This was fun. We got a $25 TGIF gift card, turned right around and handed it to the cashier. The look on his face was priceless.

The other things that were not pictured 1. I made the kids breakfast, since it was my birthday then was a big deal 2. Mailed a letter to a friend...stamp and all! Even offered her a pedicure on my bill 3. Wrote a positive review about a company we used recently, Usually the only time I fill those things out is when I want to complain. 4.Held a door open for someone 5.Made an appt to donate blood (I couldnt donate since I donated back in November) 6.Left pennies in the parking lot for kids to pick up, also left a pile in the mall 7.Dont speak negatively...this was a hard one, especially since someone at the hospital made me mad in the parking lot!

Things were a little stressful. Trying to get all 29 things done with 2 kids in tote was a little hard. I was worried I wouldn't have enough time. I didn't want to lie to myself and take a "freebie" on a RAOK which really wasn't one. I put a lot of pressure on myself about the whole thing. I think it would've been more enjoyable if I hadn't been so serious about it. Or maybe spread it out, instead of 29 things in one day, maybe 29 days of one nice thing. I wanted to be able to see some peoples reaction. Maybe sit back and just watch. But then I didnt. What if I saw one person just take the money...not buy a soda with it, just yank the quarters and leave. Or if someone noticed quarters in the gum ball machine and then went thru all the machines and took all the quarters. So Im kinda glad I didnt watch what happened.
Driving back a couple stops later that evening, everything was gone, the scratch offs, the popcorn. It was kinda sad. All the work and thought, gone. I can only *hope* that one person took one. And one person didnt take it all (like the scratch offs at the gas station)
The kids and I had a great day. I think what made it so great is we were together all day. We did some spontaneous things like play at the playground, play at the mall playground, stopped by the arcade, sat at the mall while the kids ran around playing. At the end of the day, those are the things that stick out. Lunch with my dad, the kids laughter, the homemade dinner Dave made, hiding behind cars with Kaylee while she "ding dong ditched" her friends.
It was a great project. The kids and I working together to make the cards, dropping things off, and putting things together. I hope that Kaylee learned Tis better to give than to receive.
But most of all I hope she realizes how nice it was to just spend time together. And we dont have to go to a amusement park to do something fun. That we dont have to sit infront of the tv all the time. That sometimes the little things mean the most.
I love my family. And somehow, today...I appreciate them even more than I did yesterday