Saturday, December 29, 2012

Eternal Noise

Its after midnight...and I cant sleep
The house is quiet
But my mind will not stop thinking, remembering, feeling
Usually I'm bothered in my own silence, in my car
Tonight, its different
After midnight, and I cant sleep
Thinking of the lies, the heartbreak, the tears, the sounds of my own sobbing
Thinking of the day that I heard and felt my heart break
Wondering if these thoughts are my own to bear
Confused and realizing that there is no right answer
Wishing I knew the other side
Wishing the other side knew my story
The impact they had on my life, my heart, my soul
Hoping they feel the pain that I feel
Hoping they lay awake at night bothered by the lies they told and the dismay they caused
Hoping that in the silence of the night they hear the sounds of my sobbing
Hoping that with every breathe they take, is a breathe of regret
Hoping that they look in the mirror and dislike their own reflection
I cannot begin to understand or justify their actions
I cannot begin to say I will ever forgive nor will I ever forget
To trust someone your whole life and in one instance, it is broken
Controlled like a puppet
I sit and watch someone else pull the strings while what I knew and loved crashes down around me
I'm helpless
I cannot grasp the concept of what she has made you do
I cannot put into terms why you follow the way you do
I cannot in words express the deep scar and everlasting hurt you have put on me
Every time I granted you the benefit of the doubt
Every time I was so sadly disappointed
Every time I was shocked, hurt and let down
But each time....each time, I thought would be different
Yet it was always the same
I must move on
I cannot change what she has made you do, what you have done
I want to un-hear the words you said
I want to un-hear the lies, the destruction, the pain
But I cannot
The sound echoes in my ears
The sound of betrayal, the sound of everything I know dying
The sound of love bleeds into lies
I wish I could forget, to not think
But I cant
Its 1am...and I cant sleep

Sunday, May 13, 2012


Everyone knows I adore, cherish and love both..that's right..BOTH of my children more than anything in the world.
I cannot fathom anything happening to them. If I could keep them in my pocket I would. I dread the idea of them moving or going away to college. I cringe at the idea of them being teenagers and them becoming "too cool" to be seen with mom, or hug mom :/
The thought is to much to bear. I don't have a hobby...I have nothing to do but devote everything Iam and everything I do for my children...CHILDREN, not child. Maybe one day I will regret not doing more for myself, but I sincerely doubt that. I have no regrets and cant imagine regretting spending New Years Eve with with my babies. I know one year they will want to be with their friends, or gf/bf. So do I or will I regret missing a night out at the bar to throw confetti in the air with my kids? Never. Will I regret the hangover I missed vs movie nights and sleeping downstairs with a pile of pillows? Never
I don't knock other moms for wanting/needing or feeling different than I do. Everyone is different and I don't judge. But..its my life, and my blog so Im going to tell you how I feel :) a mom and as its Mothers Day...  I will now tell you some things that I promise I will do for them :)

I promise......
To love you with every being of my soul
To attend every sporting event as long as your brother/sister doesn't have one the same day... Otherwise I will have to do every other event,
To be fair and treat both my kids equal
When I attend games, concerts, plays I will NOT use my cellphone, my attention is 100% yours
To buy you clothes that we BOTH approve of
To be your MOM.. and to be a shoulder to cry on and a place to feel safe
To yell at you and tell you when you are wrong and punish you when needed
To encourage you, love you always, and never ever curse at you
To hold your hand when needed and let go when I know you don't need it...But I will remind you that at any moment if you reach hand will always be there
To do everything in my power to provide you with every opportunity in life
To let you try every sport, extra activity you want and let you continue as long as you want
To love you with every being of my soul
To never let you quit
To wipe the tears that fall on your cheeks, and if they are caused by a bf/gf I will go after them ;)
To protect you as much as I can but to let you make your own mistakes
To catch you every time you fall or feel close to falling
To make you the best person I know how
To cry at every "graduation" or award ceremony
To push you do to your best and expect greatness from you..because that is what you are, greatness
To never say "You cant do that" or "Your grades aren't good enough" or "Pick something else", I will always encourage you
To give you constructive criticism 
To be a good role model and to show the right way to eat and that exercise is good for you
To let you eat chicken nuggets, french fries and soda....sometimes ;)
To make your birthday a BIG event..because it is, Its my favorite "holiday" ..The days that I was so blessed to have you come into my life.
To explain the importance of safe sex
To try and understand relationships which YOU think are with the person you will marry....even tho you are only 13
To NOT be the "cool mom" who lets you drink in the house when you are under 21
To sit up waiting for you and if you are late on curfew to ground you, take your phone and your keys
To love you with every being of my soul
To embarrass you
To try my best to get you awesome seats to your favorite concert
To let you the future...way...way...future
To rub your back when you throw up and to sleep at the edge of your bed
To not give you everything you want and to turn you into a selfish, rotten, spoiled brat
To always provide you with the things you NEED but not always the things you want
To miss you like crazy, and possibly cry just a little when you go to a sleepover
To not apologize for just wanting you home
To hug and kiss you as much as I can, while I can
To get nervous at all your games, plays, activities etc
To cry tears of joy with the pride I feel for you
To love you with every being of my soul

I promise to ALWAYS love you, to NEVER disown you, to NEVER say you are not my child, to NEVER say I don't love you.
I promise that I will always be your mom and there will never be a day that goes by that I will not say I love you


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Random Acts of Kindness

So Today I did my 29 RAOK. Its my 29th birthday today! I didnt feel very much like celebrating. Im not a party girl, not a bar girl. When I found this idea I just had to do it.  Here are the images and I will explain each after the picture

 Look at that concentration!
 Kaylee working hard on her cards for hospital patients

 The finished product from Kaylee for hospital patients
 Jeremy's cards for elderly people

 Candy bar for the postmaster
 We left scratch offs at 4 gas pumps
 Cookies and cards for Jeremy's daycare teachers
 A bottle of laundry detergent that we left at a local laundry mat
 This was fun...went to the $1 store and hid dollars behind toys. What a surprise for someone
 And yet another one!
 On the hospital elevator dropping off coloring books, crayons and cards. The person from the hospital was super appreciative
 Dropping off cards at a elderly home. I was hoping to hand deliver some, but they didnt seem interested
 Here is a random card placed on a towing sign
 Dropping cookies off to Grandmoms job! She wasnt there, so we left some nice pictures for her
 Another random card at a bus stop. It reads Make today a great day because everyday is a gift
 Sidewalk chalk left at a local playground
 Stopped by Daddys work to drop off some cookies
 Daddy wasnt there either, so we left him so notes!
 We got some balloons at the $1 store and handed them out to kids (with moms approval)
 Anyone want a  free soda?
 How about a free snack?
 We left some quarters at one of the ride toys at the mall
 Another random card it read, Someone, somewhere is missing you
 Quarters at the gum ball machine
 We stopped by the dentist office and dropped off some coloring books and crayons
 How about some popcorn with your movie?
 We went Ding Dong Ditching...and left 2 neighbors with Ding Dongs!
 We took my dad out to lunch, paid for his lunch, and left the waitress a 50% tip
This was fun. We got a $25 TGIF gift card, turned right around and handed it to the cashier. The look on his face was priceless.

The other things that were not pictured 1. I made the kids breakfast, since it was my birthday then was a big deal 2. Mailed a letter to a friend...stamp and all! Even offered her a pedicure on my bill 3. Wrote a positive review about a company we used recently, Usually the only time I fill those things out is when I want to complain. 4.Held a door open for someone 5.Made an appt to donate blood (I couldnt donate since I donated back in November) 6.Left pennies in the parking lot for kids to pick up, also left a pile in the mall 7.Dont speak negatively...this was a hard one, especially since someone at the hospital made me mad in the parking lot!

Things were a little stressful. Trying to get all 29 things done with 2 kids in tote was a little hard. I was worried I wouldn't have enough time. I didn't want to lie to myself and take a "freebie" on a RAOK which really wasn't one. I put a lot of pressure on myself about the whole thing. I think it would've been more enjoyable if I hadn't been so serious about it. Or maybe spread it out, instead of 29 things in one day, maybe 29 days of one nice thing. I wanted to be able to see some peoples reaction. Maybe sit back and just watch. But then I didnt. What if I saw one person just take the money...not buy a soda with it, just yank the quarters and leave. Or if someone noticed quarters in the gum ball machine and then went thru all the machines and took all the quarters. So Im kinda glad I didnt watch what happened.
Driving back a couple stops later that evening, everything was gone, the scratch offs, the popcorn. It was kinda sad. All the work and thought, gone. I can only *hope* that one person took one. And one person didnt take it all (like the scratch offs at the gas station)
The kids and I had a great day. I think what made it so great is we were together all day. We did some spontaneous things like play at the playground, play at the mall playground, stopped by the arcade, sat at the mall while the kids ran around playing. At the end of the day, those are the things that stick out. Lunch with my dad, the kids laughter, the homemade dinner Dave made, hiding behind cars with Kaylee while she "ding dong ditched" her friends.
It was a great project. The kids and I working together to make the cards, dropping things off, and putting things together. I hope that Kaylee learned Tis better to give than to receive.
But most of all I hope she realizes how nice it was to just spend time together. And we dont have to go to a amusement park to do something fun. That we dont have to sit infront of the tv all the time. That sometimes the little things mean the most.
I love my family. And somehow, today...I appreciate them even more than I did yesterday

Sunday, January 1, 2012

It's been awhile...

So yeah it has been awhile! I don't know who I thought I was fooling thinking I could keep up with a blog. 
I'll try again since it's 2012.

My recent addiction has become pinterest. It is such a cool site with tons of ideas that I must try! If I could just get OFF the computer to do them. With a new year in tote maybe I will try some. I guess I can make a "resolution" to try one a month. It is full of awesome recipes as well which I'd like to try out too.

I think if I'm going to do a better job with my blogs, they will have to be shorter. Considering I can barely find time to write anything, it will be a lot less stressful if I make them short and sweet.

I've fallen off the coupon train. I want to try again. I have a huge pile of coupons to go thru. I miss all the money I was saving but it is SO time consuming. I just feel like I don't have enough time to do anything I want. As I sit here typing I'm thinking of all the things that I want to do but don't know how to fit it all in.
I'd like to get into my exercise routine again, I'd like to clip coupons and get good savings again, I'd like to try more recipes for dinner' I'd like to blog more, I'd like to spend more time with my kids.
So if anyone knows a good time management person, please introduce them to me!!  I already get up at 545am to be at work by 730am. Then I dont get off until 4pm. And by the time I get Jeremy, start dinner, help with homework, bath time....well... Where is "me" time???  Still trying to figure it all out. 

I would LOVE to exercise first thing in the morning to get it out of the way. But I'm tired and not a morning person and I like to sleep. I don't know how hard I could push myself at 5am. So that leaves me with late night workouts. After the kids go to sleep, around 9ish. I like to think of that as my "relax unwind" time. Since thats usually the first time I can sit down without doing something. The idea of exercising 3 nights a week, couponing 1 night a week and blogging 1 night a week is overwhelming to me. That's 4 nights a week I have things to do. Like I said...still trying to figure it all out. 

So my birthday is in 9 days! That is the real reason I was prompted to update my blog. Ive deceided to do "29 acts of random kindness" in honor of my 29th birthday. I read about this on a blog and thought, What a WONDERFUL idea!!! I love giving to others much more than I like to receive. And this year my birthday just feels so...blah. I just don't care. I don't do bars, or clubs, my house is in construction and even if I did do anything...I have ONE friend so seriously how lame would that party be. This seems fitting and I'm actually really excited about it! I put together a list today of 29 things I would like to do. I tried to keep my costs down since I don't have that kind of cash laying around. I'm pretty happy with my list tho. Once Ive done everything I will post a blog about all the RAOK. Super excited about this.